4.23.19
Neither one of us got much sleep last night. It’s been hard and the more we are being saturated in our new reality, the more pain that is pouring out of our hearts.
For someone with usually a lot to say, it has been hard to put into words my feelings. To be honest, it is hard to even process what I am feeling at all. The last 24 hours have been a whirlwind.
Someone told me that it sounded like it had been a rollercoaster of emotions... I wish it was more like a rollercoaster, like one that we took Hazel on at Disney.... because that's not what this one is like. This rollercoaster has the biggest drop ever and we still haven’t starting going back up yet. YET - that is the keyword and I know that. We know that. And we have had smiles and little joys on the way down, just like you do when you are on an actual rollercoaster.... we are just waiting to take in all in until we have all the momentum we need to get over the next loop. So, I guess it kind of is like a rollercoaster. Just one I never thought we would be on. One that makes me weary and weak at the knees.... but I have to say, as soon as I fell to my knees, I did it in prayer or pleading or pleading through prayer - however you look at it.
There has been so much to take in from talking to the cardiologists, to my own midwives and doctors, and the specialists about what to expect and what birth and the next 12-18 months will look like for us, from what we do know now.
We know that we serve a big God. We know that God is merciful and gracious.... and we also know that He performs miracles, even when they don’t look like what we expect them to be or even what science tells us is impossible. We know that we serve a God that is capable and we know that we serve a God that has already blessed us with more than we deserve. I am reminding myself of these things minute by minute, even though I don’t understand.
My prayer is that Josh and I continue to lean in, not away. Lean in to each other and to our faith -- individually and together. I pray that the enemy will not bring bitterness and will not steal our joy in this pregnancy or with this child, because we are hurting. A lot.
My heart has aches and I am confused, but I really, really do know and believe that God will deliver on His promises and He already has.
This season we are embarking on just seems like it has already been long and I know it has only just begun.